Setting boundaries at work: Why boundaries are necessary for success
I wouldn’t be alive today if it wasn’t for boundaries. That sounds dramatic, but it’s the absolute truth. On September 22, 2017- I was on an Amtrak train from Chicago, IL to St. Louis to meet my best friend and her new boyfriend. I was about 1.5 hrs into what turned into a 6hr train ride, I got a call from my brother in law telling me that my mother—the single mother that raised me—had suddenly passed away. It was shocking and I was heartbroken. My mother was not terminally ill per se, but she experienced a lot of heartbreak and she suffered from alcoholism and depression for many years because her life was hard and so many things that happened to her were beyond her control. We were all shocked— we weren’t expecting her to pass away anytime soon. I was crushed, and I was only 29 years old. Despite our very complicated relationship, I was still very much a momma’s girl and the baby girl by 16 and 20 years. I miss my mom every single day, and I’m still grieving her loss even 8 years later.
I had worked so hard to get to where I had gotten in life and in my career, and I knew that this tragedy was going to mess with me. I was almost 2 years into my dream job at CBS Interactive, and I didn’t want to do anything to jeopardize my continued success. So at 29 years old, I went back to Galax, VA with my sister to bury my mother. And then when I came back home to Chicago, I found myself a therapist and have been in therapy on a weekly basis ever since. It is one of the best decisions that I ever made! There is a such a benefit in being able to have someone just listen to you without judgment and provide support and tools to handle the everyday stresses and challenges of life. I was lucky to find the therapist that I did- God knew exactly who and what I needed, because I do know that there are a lot of not so great therapists out there. It was important for me to find a black women— not because I’m racist, but because I needed someone who inherently understood what it feels like to be a black woman in America without me having to explain the nuances.
One of the first things that my therapist said to me is, “You need to learn how to set boundaries, and you need to learn how to say No.”. Like I had done most of my life, I masked my pain in distractions—- and work. I worked around the clock, and I was already doing that because I didn’t want to lose my dream job and I felt like I had to because it was what everyone else around me was doing. I even worked when I was supposed to be taking time off or was on vacation. My therapist told me, “You will never fully grieve if you continue to work around the clock— you won’t have the time to grieve and heal. You need time to just feel, and cry without the distractions, responsibilities, and the stress of work and everything else around you.” I was also a people pleaser, and I did everything to make everyone else around me feel good, but I would ignore my own feeling and needs. Because of all that I had experienced growing up, I was afraid of loss— losing my job, my friends, and my family— so I never said “No” even when I needed to. And that eventually began to take a toll on me as I was grieving.
I am incredibly lucky that my team at CBS Interactive was so supportive of me during the peak of my grieving. Everyone doesn’t have that, so I am incredibly thankful. After the suggestion from my therapist, I told my team that I needed to unplug while I was not at work. This didn’t mean that I wouldn’t work late or do what is needed during big sponsorships like The Grammy’s. It just meant that when I’m done, I’m gone until the next day. And then when I took time off, I was actually taking time off. I will pour all that I have into being the best that I can be when I’m on the clock, but I need my personal time when I am not here to grieve, otherwise I’m not going to be okay. Of course there were some people in the company that resented me for this because they didn’t set their own boundaries, but I didn’t care because it was literally a life or death situation for me, and I couldn’t be concerned with how others felt about that.
Setting these boundaries was HARD— but it made me better at my job. We aren’t set up to work 24/7 on top of the rest of our responsibilities— it’s how we burn out. And we need time to focus on other things and live our lives!!! Too many people miss out on their lives and their children’s lives for the sake of their company, and then that same company identifies them as a cut and they lose the hours that they gave freely and can’t get them back! Below are some things that I’ve learned from setting boundaries:
Communication is key! Make sure that you are on the same page with your team in what your working hours are, and what is considered an emergency. Then map out a plan for communicating these boundaries. I know that Mental health is desensitized in our culture, but the truth is if you are dead you can’t work. And not being mentally healthy, missing out on your family and children’s lives, and overworking can lead to death.
We don’t get paid to work 24/7. If you aren’t mentally unplugging and are just checking email here and there— you are still working.
Having time to yourself makes you more productive at work. Taking a break is essential in everything that we do. Even athletes that train for marathons don’t run 24 hrs a day. Breaks are necessary for success.
You can’t get time back. Life is so precious, and what I learned from my moms death is that it can be taken in an instant. That means that you need to find time to live your life— your kids and your family will thank you.
Fully unplug when you take time off, or have a day off. You have coverage for a reason, and if you don’t— leave detailed out of office notes for how to handle things while you are out, and see if you can find someone to help cover you in urgent situations until you are back in the office.
If a manager or a company doesn’t respect your boundaries, then maybe it’s not the right job or company. If someone doesn’t care about you and what you need, then you need to find someone who does.
I want to encourage all of you to take care of yourself and your mental health and to enjoy your time away from work. Life is short, and life is meant to be lived outside of work.
